God & coffee

about 7 years ago, a book came out that helped revolutionize the way that i think about God. it was called Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. for some people, this book was offense, too post-modern, or lacking theological substance. but to me, it was real and challenging. while i can't say i agree with everything the author stands for, i appreciated his candor and questioning, which made me have to look deeper into the Word, my faith, and my walk with Jesus.

the thing that most impacted me though didn't even come from the pages of the book. i was actually at some friends' house in Nashville, talking about the book. a group of us had recently read it, and heard about a study guide for it. so we decided to give it a try. within the first week, i had encountered a question that, little did i know, would rock my world and change the way i saw God, forever.

the question was this: if you were in your car, driving to a coffee shop to meet with God (literally in person), what would be going through your mind? are you worried about how He would receive you? are you excited about seeing Him in person?

at first, it seemed easy - we all know the "right" answers, don't we?oh, it would be great to sip a latte with God and enjoy His presence!

then, it seemed kind of offensive. wow, isn't this a bit sacrilegious. like God doesn't have better things to do than meet me at Starbucks for a frappacino and coffee talk?!

and then, when i actually gave it some thought, i was shocked to discover my own answer.

my real reaction to the idea of sitting down and meeting with God over coffee was... complete terror. and not the good, healthy respecting kind of terror. but seriously, terror. because i honestly believed that the things He would have to say would pierce my heart and cut me to the bone. i truly imagined that God would sit there across from me and tell me how disappointed in me He was and proceed to list off all the things in my life that just didn't measure up. He would be angry with me and frustrated with me and generally disgusted. i was sick to my stomach at the thought of actually spending time with Him.

as soon as i realized this was my reaction to the question, i was almost brought to tears. i immediately saw how false my thinking was and i really couldn't believe that is what i thought! how could possibly attribute such awful characteristics to God, the one who made me, loves me, and saved me!? where did i get these ideas? and how long had i been deceived into thinking that God was like this meanie in my imagination?

that's not God. God is love! and love isn't mean. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

so, what is your real reaction? how would you honestly answer the question? if you were meeting God for coffee, what would you think and what would He say? and what does your answer say about who you think God really is?

it's taken me years to truly begin to get a revelation of the love God has for me. and i know i'll be discovering more about His love over the rest of my life. its so big that i will never possibly understand it all. but the more i get it, the more it changes me. knowing God, learning His character, and just spending time with Him - that's what I was made for. that's what you were made for. so grab a cup of coffee and get with God. you won't regret it.

high winds

High Wind Warning for Rowan, NC

Issued by The National Weather Service
Greenville-Spartanburg, SC
2:43 pm EST, Wed., Feb. 10, 2010

A HIGH WIND WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 6 AM EST THURSDAY.

STRONG NORTHWEST WINDS WILL CONTINUE ACROSS MOST OF UPSTATE SOUTH CAROLINA AND EXTREME NORTHEAST GEORGIA. SUSTAINED WIND SPEEDS OF 30 MPH ARE LIKELY WITH GUSTS OF 50 TO 60 MPH POSSIBLE.

THE COMBINATION OF WET SOIL AND STRONG GUSTY WINDS WILL LIKELY RESULT IN NUMEROUS DOWNED TREES AND POWER LINES THROUGH EARLY EVENING WHEN GUSTS WILL BE STRONGEST.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A HIGH WIND WARNING MEANS A HAZARDOUS HIGH WIND EVENT IS EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. SUSTAINED WIND SPEEDS OF AT LEAST 40 MPH OR GUSTS OF 58 MPH OR MORE CAN LEAD TO PROPERTY DAMAGE.

TAKE STEPS NOW TO SECURE ANY LOOSE OBJECTS THAT MIGHT BE BLOWN ABOUT BY THE WIND. BE AWARE OF THE THREAT OF FALLING TREES AND POWER LINES TODAY. USE EXTREME CAUTION IF ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE ANY HIGH PROFILE VEHICLES OR MOTORCYCLES.

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have you ever felt like you were reading a chapter of your life, when you were just reading the weather?

Back in November, the Lord prompted me to write this:

My wind is blowing, the wind of My Spirit. It is knocking down anything that is not firmly rooted, anything not built on My foundation. Do not fear. I am to be trusted. I am not here to harm you, but to love you and protect you and care for you. As the waves crash on the shore, I am sending waves of My peace to My people who trust in Me. Do not fight the current of My Spirit. Calm yourself and allow Me to move you as I choose. In trust, there is peace and rest, even in the storm.

In the Bible, the Holy Spirit is likened to the wind. He is moving, blowing, and stirring. He can move in ours hearts as a gentle refreshing wind, like a cool breeze. Or He can move as a wild gusting gale, like a tornado or a hurricane. We cannot stop the wind from blowing, nor can we see exactly where it is going or why. But we can feel it, sense it, and see its effects. The wind is life-giving, carrying seed to scatter across the earth. The wind can also be destructive, tearing things down, uprooting things in its path. Either way, the wind brings change. It marks new seasons, and helps transport us to new places.

If I fight the wind, I might be dashed to pieces. So, I choose to trust, accepting His peace and rest, in the midst of yet another storm. And in the end, I know, He is taking me somewhere I never would have gone on my own.

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." John 3:8

arms wide open

ever since i was a kid, i have related to music. I've been referred to many times as a walking radio, for knowing song lyrics no matter what the station. in fact, i used to create my own "radio show" (with my fisher price tape recorder) that i affectionately called The Lover's Club, where I sang popular tunes from Disney movies. yes, lame i know.

when i got into middle school, my love for music grew deeper. i would literally sit in my room for hours by myself, just listening to music. it became a companion. my styles have changed a lot through the years, but one thing has remained the same - i love lyrics. so whatever music i'm into, i have to be into the lyrics. that's how i connect with it.

over the past few years, i have really gotten into worship music. not the regular christian radio stuff. but deep heartfelt, heart wrenching worship. one of my favorite singer/songwriters right now is a girl named misty edwards. she has dedicated the past 10 years of her life to God in study, celibacy, prayer, fasting, and worship. and the result is an amazing relationship with God, that reveals itself through powerful songs. one of her latest albums, and probably my favorite, is called Fling Wide.

recently i was listening to it on my iPod, and i got stuck on the last track: arms wide open. not only is it beautiful and real, but its challenging and it requires real honesty to worship God to. check out the song here.

as i was worshiping with this album on, i hit this song and i broke into sobbing tears. in the song, she is asking God to show her what Love really looks like. beyond romance, momentary bliss, sentiment, selfishness, and selfish gain. all of life is supposed to come down to how we receive and give Love, so she is sincerely asking God to give her a revelation of real Love. and what He gives her is a vision.

Then I saw Him there, Hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, Hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes, And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, heart exposed, 
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding.
Arms wide open, heart exposed, 
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding
Loves definition, Loves definition, was looking at me...

wow. this picture of Jesus, giving not only of his deity, his humanity, his physical life - but of literally his whole heart, his whole being - for me. all out of love. the greatest love anyone has ever known, became weak and vulnerable and sacrificed itself completely for me. its so beautiful, it hurts.

she goes on to sing:

This is how I know what love is. This is how I know what love is.

And as I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes 
Full of desire and love. And He said to me...
You shall love Me. You shall love Me. 
You shall love Me. You shall love Me.
With arms wide open, heart exposed, 
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding.

the very thought of this, of being so vulnerable to Him, or anyone for that matter, shook me straight to the core. i could feel the fear creeping in. and i wept. i became brutally honest. i told God i didn't know if i could love Him like that, so abandoned, so exposed. and He asked why. i knew right then, that what i was afraid of was being rejected. i was haunted with the thought of putting myself out there like that, and not being received, not being accepted, but being turned down and turned away with a broken heart.

what i was dealing with, was a spirit of rejection. [fyi...upon doing some research later, here are some of the varied ways this spirit manifests itself: through abandonment, being ashamed of physical appearance, having blocked intimacy, caring too much what others think, comparing yourself with others, fearful to witness, feeling inadequate, like God can't use you, like you are no good, like you would be the last one God would use for anything, like you're the victim, unwanted, unloved, unaccepted, unworthiness, intimidated, that others are unfair to you, persecuting you, inability to express love and affection, inferiority, isolation, letting people take advantage of you, loneliness, man-pleaser, martyr complex, mistrust, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-hate, self-rejection, tendencies to withdraw, thinking you can't be forgiven.]

immediately i began rebuking the spirit of rejection off of me. and i spoke God's acceptance and love over me. almost instantaneously i felt a burden lifted. i was lighter. more free than i'd ever been. i wanted to run around town hugging everyone i knew! i have been set free from a spirit of despair, by the lover of my soul! and now i am able to receive His amazing love like never before. and it changes everything.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

hoarders

have you seen this show? its the ultimate form of rubber-necking. i see what a terrible, yet fascinating, wreck it is, and i can't seem to look away.

Each 60-minute episode of Hoarders is a fascinating look inside the lives of two different people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis. But cleaning is just the first step, like taking drugs away from an addict. The healing won't be easy. For some, throwing away even the tiniest thing -- a sponge, a button, an empty box -- is so painful that they will not be able to allow the cleaning to be completed, no matter the consequences.

I first saw this show around Thanksgiving. And I was astounded and shocked at the ridiculous obsession with meaningless material possessions these people were bound with, even to the brink of losing their families, homes, health, freedom, or even their own lives. To me its so obvious the demonic oppression involved. I really wish there was someone there to help them receive true deliverance through the love and power of Jesus Christ!

But then God gave me another revelation of my own heart. As you've read in my previous blogs, He has been making me aware of the walls in my heart, that I have allowed to be built up over the years of my life with the bricks of lies from the enemy. These walls have not only kept out God, but everyone else, from getting to really know me - even myself. I've lacked true intimacy in most of my relationships, gladly allowing shallow & surface conversation to distract from the painful hidden depths of my heart and prevent them from being exposed. As these walls have been slowly coming down, I have been pretty afraid of what might be found behind them. I didn't know what to expect, but I just knew it probably wouldn't be pretty.

And I was right. As the walls have started to come down, I see that these hidden chambers of my heart are filled to the brim with trash that I have held on to all these years. Piles of hurt from broken relationships. Rotten spoils of painful words spoken. Filth of disappointment and unmet expectations. The chaos left behind from willing sin. Its all so overwhelming. Where do I even begin? There is so much to address. And when we get to it, will I really be willing to let it go? Or have I burrowed my identity so far into these piles of garbage I've collected for my own sick comfort, that I won't be able to surface?

The first step in the process of my clean sweep is willingness to cooperate with God in the task. No matter how difficult, to press on and trust that His intentions are always for my good. I have to be willing to throw away the messy memorabilia of my past, and realize that many of the things that I thought shaped my personality were mostly attempts of my enemy at trying to keep me from discovering my true self. I have to determine not to be so ashamed that I can't continue the process. And I have to remember that God doesn't see me the way I see me. I can trust His vision, because Jesus has already paid the price. And because of that, we've traded spaces. When God looks at me, He sees Christ. Now I have to see me with His eyes.

No longer will I be willingly bound to my past and the sins that have entangled me. No longer will I hide the wounds of my broken heart from the One who has the power to heal them. No longer will I sit in the darkness alone, a prisoner in my own heart. I am ready.

In the words of Ty Pennington, "Let's DO IIIIIT!"

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn...Isaiah 63: 1-2