arms wide open

ever since i was a kid, i have related to music. I've been referred to many times as a walking radio, for knowing song lyrics no matter what the station. in fact, i used to create my own "radio show" (with my fisher price tape recorder) that i affectionately called The Lover's Club, where I sang popular tunes from Disney movies. yes, lame i know.

when i got into middle school, my love for music grew deeper. i would literally sit in my room for hours by myself, just listening to music. it became a companion. my styles have changed a lot through the years, but one thing has remained the same - i love lyrics. so whatever music i'm into, i have to be into the lyrics. that's how i connect with it.

over the past few years, i have really gotten into worship music. not the regular christian radio stuff. but deep heartfelt, heart wrenching worship. one of my favorite singer/songwriters right now is a girl named misty edwards. she has dedicated the past 10 years of her life to God in study, celibacy, prayer, fasting, and worship. and the result is an amazing relationship with God, that reveals itself through powerful songs. one of her latest albums, and probably my favorite, is called Fling Wide.

recently i was listening to it on my iPod, and i got stuck on the last track: arms wide open. not only is it beautiful and real, but its challenging and it requires real honesty to worship God to. check out the song here.

as i was worshiping with this album on, i hit this song and i broke into sobbing tears. in the song, she is asking God to show her what Love really looks like. beyond romance, momentary bliss, sentiment, selfishness, and selfish gain. all of life is supposed to come down to how we receive and give Love, so she is sincerely asking God to give her a revelation of real Love. and what He gives her is a vision.

Then I saw Him there, Hanging on a tree, looking at me
I saw Him there, Hanging on a tree, looking at me
He was looking at me looking at Him, staring through me
I could not escape those beautiful eyes, And I began to weep and weep

He had arms wide open, heart exposed, 
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding.
Arms wide open, heart exposed, 
Arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding
Loves definition, Loves definition, was looking at me...

wow. this picture of Jesus, giving not only of his deity, his humanity, his physical life - but of literally his whole heart, his whole being - for me. all out of love. the greatest love anyone has ever known, became weak and vulnerable and sacrificed itself completely for me. its so beautiful, it hurts.

she goes on to sing:

This is how I know what love is. This is how I know what love is.

And as I sat there, weeping, crying, those beautiful eyes 
Full of desire and love. And He said to me...
You shall love Me. You shall love Me. 
You shall love Me. You shall love Me.
With arms wide open, heart exposed, 
With arms wide open, bleeding, sometimes bleeding.

the very thought of this, of being so vulnerable to Him, or anyone for that matter, shook me straight to the core. i could feel the fear creeping in. and i wept. i became brutally honest. i told God i didn't know if i could love Him like that, so abandoned, so exposed. and He asked why. i knew right then, that what i was afraid of was being rejected. i was haunted with the thought of putting myself out there like that, and not being received, not being accepted, but being turned down and turned away with a broken heart.

what i was dealing with, was a spirit of rejection. [fyi...upon doing some research later, here are some of the varied ways this spirit manifests itself: through abandonment, being ashamed of physical appearance, having blocked intimacy, caring too much what others think, comparing yourself with others, fearful to witness, feeling inadequate, like God can't use you, like you are no good, like you would be the last one God would use for anything, like you're the victim, unwanted, unloved, unaccepted, unworthiness, intimidated, that others are unfair to you, persecuting you, inability to express love and affection, inferiority, isolation, letting people take advantage of you, loneliness, man-pleaser, martyr complex, mistrust, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-hate, self-rejection, tendencies to withdraw, thinking you can't be forgiven.]

immediately i began rebuking the spirit of rejection off of me. and i spoke God's acceptance and love over me. almost instantaneously i felt a burden lifted. i was lighter. more free than i'd ever been. i wanted to run around town hugging everyone i knew! i have been set free from a spirit of despair, by the lover of my soul! and now i am able to receive His amazing love like never before. and it changes everything.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.