bricks

like i said, i'm in the process of a renovation, tearing down walls in my heart. walls are always built out of something. in my case, it was bricks. hard, heavy bricks.

these bricks represented individual hurts that i had received throughout the 31 years of my life. for a while they were just scattered in a pile. but once i had received enough of them, i knew it was time to build. so the walls went up.

[as much as everyone loves their family, we all know there is no such thing as a perfect family. and sometimes, things are said that maybe weren't meant to be taken a certain way. or things were done that were misconstrued. regardless of the intention, we have all been left with a pile of bricks, hurts we've received, that we have to decide what to do with. i don't blame anyone for the decisions i have made. but i now recognize how i allowed the enemy to lie to me all these years. and i believed it.]

so, my young mind received these messages, from family, from friends, from experiences, from culture, that turned into bricks in my heart:

not feeling wanted.
not feeling loved.
not feeling beautiful.
not feeling trustworthy.
not feeling smart enough.
not feeling good enough.

ultimately, i never felt like i could measure up to the expectations set for me. i always felt like a disappointment. the basic needs of my soul, to feel accepted and loved unconditionally, just weren't met.

instead of finding out my identity from the One who created me, i began looking for myself in all the wrong places: in physical relationships, in school, in popularity. and of course, nothing ever satisfied the deep need within me to be loved. in fact, i had such a wrong view of myself by this point, that all the things i tried to do only worsened my self-image.

i began to believe that i didn't have a purpose, that i couldn't receive love, that i was mean, that i didn't need other people, that i would hurt them and that they would hurt me, and slowly the walls began going up.

so for almost a decade, i've done a decent job of keeping almost everyone out of the vulnerable places of my heart. but that didn't fix the problem either. in fact, i was reminded of my walls anytime anyone tried to speak something positive about me. a compliment of any kind was like a hammer to my heart. immediately the words bounced against the bricks and fell to the ground. all i could hear were the reminders of the brick walls - you're not pretty. you're not smart. you're not good.

finally, after reading the book Captivating, a light switched on. i could see everything for what it was. lies for lies. truth for truth. i could see the sad chambers of my heart sealed off by hurts. and how much i was missing by keeping them that way. God gave me the love and acceptance i was longing for. and that gave me the courage to face the walls, and begin to tear them down, brick by brick.

trust me, putting them up was much easier. but the sweat and the tears will all be worth it. now i recognize the bricks for what they are: lies. about me. about God. so, i'm pulling them down and destroying them. i only want to build with truth.

The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity. - 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (The Message)

walls

do you ever feel there is more to your heart than you show? you want to open up, but there is something holding you back? there are parts of your personality that stay locked away? people have a hard time reading you or figuring you out? or perhaps the side that you show people is just that - a show?

then you have walls.

i can diagnose this because i've had them myself. and sort of still do.

i don't even remember building them, but there they are. thick structures separating chambers of my heart from the rest of the world. every once in a while, there is a person who can see them and be bold enough to ask about them. but usually they remain camouflaged. i guess i've done a good job of decorating the small space in my heart that's left for anyone to see - but it just won't do. these walls were never meant to be there. and i'm outgrowing this space.

about a year ago is when i first became aware of the walls. until then, i had lived pretty obliviously to their existence. but one day God opened my eyes. it was a major revelation. i had put up walls in my heart, to lock up hidden chambers, painful rooms, that even He was kept from. yes, i invited Jesus into my heart a long time ago. but i had made the living space for him in my heart quite small. the doors to these hidden chambers read - do not enter. caution tape plastered everywhere. warning signs telling people to keep away. but behold... He knocks.

so, ever since, we have been in a renovation, slowly tearing down walls in my heart - opening me up. and not just to Him. but to those able to see, that there is more to me than i had previously been showing. 

its kind of like the Biltmore. every year, it seems, they unlock the secret beauty behind another mysterious door and invite the world in to see. i feel like thats where i am. He is preparing me for an unveiling.

even i don't know what to expect. it's a long messy process, but i know in the end, it'll be worth it. and i won't be able to even understand how i lived so long in the small confines of the lobby of my heart, when there was so much room to be shared all along.

missing him

so, this morning jeremy crossed the border into mexico. its really weird not being able to talk to him and see him whenever i want to. while he was traveling across the country, it wasn't so bad because i could still call him and text him. but now i feel the distance. and it sucks. there is an ache in my heart that won't go away.

probably the weirdest thing i experienced was the day that he left. almost immediately after he drove off, i started craving food. ice cream, popcorn, soda, coffee. all my favorite snacks and sweets. at first i didn't link the cravings to anything. but when i started thinking about it more, i realized that i wanted comfort food to help my feelings of sadness go away. and the more i thought about it, i saw that i do that a lot. if i'm stressed, i want to eat or get coffee. this pattern had never dawned on me before. rather than dealing with the feelings, i wanted to suppress them with surface pleasures.

we all do it. we want to fix the pain we feel, but we really only want to deal with the symptoms - not the root. we all have different problems and different ways of "coping". but coping isn't the solution. we shouldn't learn how to deal with our pain, we should learn how to be healed of our pain.

yes, i miss him. but, absence does make the heart grow fonder. and i believe that whatever temporary absence we have to endure, the sacrifice will be worth it, for the greater good of God's will. and i don't have to run from these feelings. i can confess my weakness and be vulnerable. and i can allow others in, to help get me through.

so what are you suppressing? what is so scary or hard to deal with that you have been hiding it, running from it, scared of it, ignoring it, "coping" with it. whatever it is, you can let it out. you can be free. maybe the situation won't change, but maybe your perspective will.

trust

...the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being...The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Many recognize these verses from the creation account in the first book of the Bible, Genesis. I really enjoy reading these chapters. Every time I do, I get fresh revelation. This time, it's about Trust.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'? The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "

Okay, I need to pause here. First off all, does anyone notice something strange from these verses. (Other than a talking snake.) The thing that sticks out to me is that Eve misquotes God. Earlier, He commanded that they not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. But here, Eve says that God commanded them not to eat from it or even touch it. Where did she get that from?! Why did she add that in? Why didn't she know what He said?

Ultimately, regardless of the reason, Eve didn't know what God's word really was on the matter. And she exposed a crucial weakness to her enemy. She didn't know the Word. She didn't know the truth. So, she apparently didn't understand the heart of God.

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

First off, Satan leads with a blatant lie, contradicting the very words of God. Secondly, he plants a seed of doubt into her already confused heart. This seed was mistrust. He led her to believe that, for whatever reason, God, who loved her and created her and blessed her with everything around her, was somehow holding out on her. And the same lie has worked ever since.

When I was a teenager, I so desperately wanted to be able to spend time with my friends. But my parents were strict. And for good reason. The few times that I was given any freedom, I blew it. I found a way to find trouble everywhere I went and spent most of my high school years grounded. I loved God, but I didn't know Him that well. And since I didn't know Him, I didn't understand Him or His motives. Often I found myself questioning why I had such strict parents. And why the rules were so hard to live by. Why did my friends all get to go out and have fun, while I stayed at home? These were the questions that popped into my mind when I would lay down to sleep. What it came down to, was that I began to mistrust God's heart toward me. I thought He was holding out on me; for some reason, keeping me from fun and friends and life and happiness. What I later discovered was that He was protecting me from a life of terrible choices, addictions, and self-destruction. If I had spent half the time I spent questioning God on actually getting to know Him and learning about His character and His love for me, I would have realized this much sooner.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

So, first Eve misquotes God's word. Second, she's deceived into thinking that God isn't trustworthy and He doesn't love her. From here, her reaction speaks a lot. Instead of crying out or asking for help or clarity, she turns to the one person she think she can trust - herself. She decided to rely on her senses and rational (aka her flesh) to get her through. She started to examine the fruit - it looked good and appetizing. (Most sin does.) And the straw that broke the camel's back? It was desirable for gaining wisdom. Rather than trusting Him, she wanted to know it all for herself. And she doesn't stop there. She brings her husband down with her. Don't get me wrong. He had a choice in the matter, but what guy isn't going to do what his naked wife tells him to. :P

Anyway, I just see from this story how important it is for us to trust God. I mean, really trust Him. And to truly know Him and His word. When we really know the truth, the lie will be obvious. We can't trust in our own understanding. It will lead us astray. And we should never bring others down with us.

Lots of good stuff here. Read the Bible. Its alive. And trust God.

day 1

jeremy (and michael) left for mexico yesterday, and suddenly i feel like macaulay culkin in home alone. i want to put on classic Christmas music and run around the house goofing off. not because i'm glad jerm's gone, but mostly because i'm already a little bored. ya, sad - i know. it's only day 1, and i have at least 29 more to go.

but i am excited for the amazing things that i know are going to happen in mexico through this trip. i can't wait to hear all the stories. i hope jeremy writes everything down so he won't forget any of it.

its a miracle in itself that it worked out for them to go. God brought in all the money they needed for the trip in only one week through our friends and family. its so great to see people give. not only did it all exceed the dollar amount they were hoping for, but they also received 4 guitars to give away while they are there! wow. i am believing for every person who gave to this trip to receive a huge blessing in their own lives. that's what the Bible teaches - give and it will be given to you. it'll be fun to watch that in the lives of our friends and family.

but, i am also looking forward to having some time to myself. time to hang out with God. time to think. time to relax. time to spend with friends and family, who i don't normally get to spend a lot of time with. time to read. time to do new things.

it's like i've been given this gift: time. the strange thing is, i get this gift everyday. and always in the same increments: 24 hrs, just the same as everyone else. but suddenly now i am able to see it for what it is. i realize its a gift. and i get to decide how i want to use it.

so today, i'm staying in my pajamas.

discipline

The word disciple appears 259 times in the Bible. The word Christian is used only 3 times.

Ironically, its the word Christian that seems to have lost its meaning in our culture. There are too many people adopting it as a title, but not living it - so much so that its almost been redefined. And I'm to the point that I don't want to be a Christian, at least not in its revised definition.

I'd rather be a disciple: a disciplined follower of Jesus Christ. But this is much harder to do! It's not about the outside as much. It's about whats going on inside. And that's where the real battle lies. Thats where you see what you're really made of.

Want to test your level of discipline? Go on a fast.

Its the weirdest journey. You deny yourself all the things you think you want, for the one thing you really need. And it almost drives you crazy in the process. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But only a little.

I think a lot of modern day disciples have a hard time with fasting, because it requires discipline. And we get to really see how much we lack of it. (And we don't like it.) Many decide that fasting is too legalistic. But I'm finding thats just an excuse people use not to have discipline. When really the truth is: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7. Ouch.

We are saved by grace through faith, not fasting. It's not about our salvation. So let's get that out of the way. Others think: we live in the post-resurrection, Jesus has torn the veil, the Holy Spirit dwells within us, and we have the printed word - so why bother fasting, whats the point?

We're getting it backwards. We're forgetting the point.

It's about denying ourselves! It's about discipline. It's the first step in truly walking as a disciple each and every day. "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:23-24.

But honestly, when in this day and age do we really deny ourselves? For the most part, we do whatever we want. When we're hungry, we go out to eat. When we're bored, we turn on the TV. When we're lonely, we call a friend, or go hang out, or get on facebook. Every emotion we have, we can suppress with some kind of action, rather than addressing it and putting it in line. We don't deny ourselves much of anything.

So, give it a try. Turn off the TV. Don't go out to eat. Don't do whatever you want right when you want to. Sometimes, deny yourself. And instead, listen for Him. Read His word. Spend time with the one who made you and loves you.

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:6-8

choose love

yesterday at church was so amazing. probably one of the best times in the presence of God our church has had up to this point, in my opinion. the atmosphere was so sweet and loving, emotionally healing, forgiving, and uniting. i'm so thankful that God still speaks! and i'm very grateful for people who aren't afraid to stand up and share it, when He says something important to them. because God's words change people. God's words create. God's words heal and restore and encourage. and when we become broken and vulnerable and open ourselves up to what He is saying, amazing things happen. 

here's basically what the word was: there are only two sides. and you get to choose where to stand. you can either stand on the side of the living God, the King of Kings, the one who created you and loves you and made a way for you and has a purpose for you. or, you can choose to stand with Satan, your enemy, the accuser. 

there have been a lot of mistakes in my life, and in yours. we are all still human. the accuser will take every opportunity he can to blow those mistakes way out of proportion and cause conflict. do you want to stand with the accuser? and hold things against people? (even if it is true, cause the accuser will probably accuse about things that have been done) but is it more important to be right about something than it is to stand on the side of the living God? 

on God's side, we have to forgive. we have to let go of hurts and offenses. we have to love. we have to reconcile. we have to bless. we have to choose to see and believe the best in people. we have to trust.

on the side of the accuser, you can stay wounded. you can point fingers. you can hold things against people. you can hate. you can get bitter. you can curse others. you can gossip. you can do whatever your flesh wants. 

but in the end, you will find out - you are on the wrong side. 

WW3 shouldn't start in the church. how can one Body fight against itself? (thats what we're supposed to be - a Body.) so lets stop the "self loathing", "self deprecating", "self destructive", "suicidal thoughts" about the Body of Christ. the Body should not be destroying itself. the Body of Christ should not be a cutter, taking a knife to its own parts to cause pain and leave scars. thats sick. thats demonic. 

so choose love. its that simple. no he said, she said. no grudges. no open wounds. no keeping score. just understanding, that although we desire to all become like Christ, we all get it wrong sometimes. we all still battle with our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. the best thing we can do is give each other the benefit of the doubt. and go directly to each other when there is something wrong. and truly forgive, like Jesus does - and cast their sins into a sea of forgetfulness, separate the sins from them as far as the east is from the west. when we look at each other, we should see Him. and nothing else. because that is what God sees when He looks at us. For God made Christ, who never sinned, to become the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Him (aka so that we might become the righteousness of God). so choose to see righteousness as God sees righteousness. choose mercy as God has been merciful. choose forgiveness as God has forgiven you. choose grace as God has been gracious. 

choose love.

darkest before the dawn

ever heard the phrase: when the going gets tough, the tough get going. or how about: no pain, no gain. do people really believe this anymore? cause i'm starting to wonder.

all around, i see people facing hard times. i know its just a season. and the bible promises that when we stand firm on our right foundation, God will bring us through whatever storms may come. but the surprising thing to me has been to see how many people just crumble, or choose to give up, run away, quit, cash in their chips, cut their losses, at the first sign of pain or difficulty or sacrifice. rather than press on through. rather than persevere. rather than overcome. rather than faithfulness. rather than trust. 

this frightens me, because what i am really seeing is weakness growing. 

the bible says that trials and tribulations bring about purity and patience in our lives. and that we should consider it joy to go through difficult situations, because that means we are going to grow and develop character, perseverance, faith, and hope - deeper and stronger than we ever could have without it. i admit, that's a tall order. joy in the face of despair? peace in pain? rest in chaos? but thats what He's asking for. 

did you know that winter wheat roots grow twice as deep as spring wheat roots? could it be that the colder and harsher the outside elements, the deeper we have to dig to connect to our source of life? and in the end, thats what makes us stronger.

ultimately, it all comes down to where our eyes are. if we are looking at our problems, they seem BIG. Impossible. Hopeless. but, if our eyes are where they should be, fixed on Jesus - the author and perfecter of our faith - then everything else would be small in comparison. that's what it means to magnify the Lord. we can't make Him bigger than He already is. but we can begin to perceive Him as big as He is when we focus our attention to Him, above all other things. focusing on our problems is like taking a magnifying glass to look at a speck of dirt on the ground. but if we're always looking down, making our problems seem bigger than they are, how are we supposed to walk? what we should be doing is facing up, looking to the skies. Take a telescope and check out the stars instead. See the vast beauty of creation, and let it remind you that your Creator is bigger than it all!


I lift up my eyes to the hills—
       where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
       the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
       he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
       will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
       the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
       nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
       he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
       both now and forevermore.
-Psalm 121

just remember. it always gets darkest before the dawn.

the scientist

(continued) journal entry: June 2008


What do You think about me??

--It's all right there, in the word. You have to read it. Find it. Its like a scavenger hunt. Study it. Unravel it. Like a puzzle. Solve it, like a riddle. Its an amazing race. Let each clue take you somewhere new. Its meant to be fun. The ultimate game of hide and go seek. And  you'll win every time. Because I promise that when you seek Me, you find Me.

Who do You say I am?

God delights in concealing things;

scientists delight in discovering things. (Proverbs 25:2 The Message)

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;

to search out a matter is the glory of kings. (Proverbs 25:2 NIV)

Scientists are smart. Diligent. Focused. Passionate about their field. Acquainted with failure. Learn from their mistakes. Don't give up. Aware. Mark their results. Compare their findings. Celebrate their successes. Invest time wisely.
Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would be this hard. Let's go back to the start. - Scientist, Coldplay

I am a worshipper. I am a singer. I am a song writer. I sing new songs to God. I am a true lover. I am His child. I am His intimate friend. He speaks to me. I am special. I am different. I am His bride. I am set apart. I am His servant. I am royalty. I am important to Him. I am an heir. I am going to be with Him forever. I am blessed. I am protected. I am safe. I am a student. I am a traveller.

I am a scientist.

the ultimate quest

(continued) journal entry: June 2008

What does HE think about me? Who does HE say I am? What does HE think I'm capable of? Where does HE want me to go?

So I'm asking these questions. And I'm waiting on answers. The hard part is, I'm not sure if I'll know its Him when one comes. I haven't done much listening. I haven't even done much asking.

There are some who seem to think that God wants to do big things through me. And yes, that's intimidating at best. But it's also exciting and promising and encouraging.

Someone told me something that I won't soon forget. They said that I was called too. Okay, it doesn't sound like much. But this was a huge revelation for me.

When I married Jeremy, I knew I was getting everything I'd ever wanted...a godly man, a spiritual leader, someone with an innate sense of destiny and purpose, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on about him and all his amazing qualities. However, I think for a while I let myself become unimportant in my mind. Not intentionally. But I saw him doing such great things... growing, changing, influencing others... that I thought that was it. I thought my job was done. Marrying him was the pinnacle of my sense of purpose, so I kind of just banked on him. I just thought he would be the destined one, he would be the purposed one, he would be the influencing one and so I was off the hook. What a convenient way of thinking, right?

So when those words were said to me - you were called too - my eyes opened to all my backward thinking. I realized that I'm just as destined and purposed as anyone else. It gave me a sense of ownership for my life that I had never really felt before. And with that, of course, came responsibility.

So now here I am, at the edge of the water, so to speak - realizing that I can swim too. And I don't have to just watch from the shore. That I can be a part of the adventure - and that I was meant to be!

So now I have to learn who I am, what I have to offer, how I'm gifted, where I'm weak, and why I'm important.

And I can't do it alone. I can't just think my way through it. My skills of observation will only get me so far. The kingdom of heaven is within me. And I need to learn to rely on that.

Unfortunately this isn't a short term project. It's a lifelong journey of discovery and decision and discipline and devotion.

So here I am, packing my bags. Getting ready to embark on the ultimate quest. And of course, I over pack. And yet somehow I'm not prepared for whats ahead.

With my guide (mentor), map (the Word), and compass (the Holy Spirit), I'm off. Show me, Lord.

tired

journal entry: June 2008


I am tired. Not just because I woke up early. I am tired of running. Running from intimacy. I am tired of avoiding growth. I am tired of remaining the same.

Around me I see people changing, sacrificing, stretching, growing. And I am finally ready to see that in myself. I am ready to stop faking it.

So I'm seeking God. I'm seeking wisdom. I'm seeking growth and change in my life. I'm seeking genuine relationships. I'm seeking revelation.

I don't know why its taken me so long to get to this point. I admit, I've been pretty lazy, pretty apathetic. I've taken for granted the things God would have for me. I've settled for what's comfortable, what's familiar, what's easy. I've tried to figure things out on my own, depend on my analytical skills and mental acrobatics. Maybe I've put on a good show, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. So I'm giving up on my own observations. I'm seeking God's observations.

from chaos to creation

journal entry: 09.23.09


You can turn the chaos of my life into a week of Genesis creation. And I ask You to. Please! Take whatever there is and make it new. Speak light and life and order and beauty and solidness and purpose into what was once darkness and void. Make my life worthy of serving You. Develop fruit, good fruit, in the soil. I give it all to You, because its all Yours! Remove the rocky, hard places where nothing can grow in me. Help me forgive. Help me submit. Help me to do what You've called me to do, not what others expect me to do. Let me hear Your voice.

I love you!

I love You, too. Let me know You more and more. All Your attributes, Your likes and dislikes, Your favorite things. YOU. All the facets of You that I can possibly fathom.

all things new

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”-Revelation 21:1-5


At the end of the Bible, I find these verses the ultimate summation and point of the whole story. God's plan is, and always has been, to share himself with us completely in every way possible.

Over the past year, I've given myself to learn more about Him. Not just facts, but facets. Who He really is. And this is what I have found. His heart is LOVE! And joy! And peace! And He is the source of all creativity, of all art. He is always creating. He makes beauty out of chaos, even from the beginning of time. He is making all things new. And we get to be apart of that, as much as we want to be. So, I choose to participate. That's what this blog is about. I want to share the heart of God and the heart of me, as much as I know how.

So, I'll be posting here as frequently as I feel led to. Sometimes new revelations or ramblings. Other times, I'll revisit past lessons and learnings from my private time with God. It just doesn't seem right to keep it all to myself. I'm not trying to air any laundry, or be one of those bloggers who post their deepest darkest secrets for the world to see. I just want to become more and more transparent. Slowly tear down the walls, brick by brick, of my heart and let the light in. Maybe none of this makes sense just yet, but hopefully over time it will.

Goodbye 2009. Thanks for the fire.