walls

do you ever feel there is more to your heart than you show? you want to open up, but there is something holding you back? there are parts of your personality that stay locked away? people have a hard time reading you or figuring you out? or perhaps the side that you show people is just that - a show?

then you have walls.

i can diagnose this because i've had them myself. and sort of still do.

i don't even remember building them, but there they are. thick structures separating chambers of my heart from the rest of the world. every once in a while, there is a person who can see them and be bold enough to ask about them. but usually they remain camouflaged. i guess i've done a good job of decorating the small space in my heart that's left for anyone to see - but it just won't do. these walls were never meant to be there. and i'm outgrowing this space.

about a year ago is when i first became aware of the walls. until then, i had lived pretty obliviously to their existence. but one day God opened my eyes. it was a major revelation. i had put up walls in my heart, to lock up hidden chambers, painful rooms, that even He was kept from. yes, i invited Jesus into my heart a long time ago. but i had made the living space for him in my heart quite small. the doors to these hidden chambers read - do not enter. caution tape plastered everywhere. warning signs telling people to keep away. but behold... He knocks.

so, ever since, we have been in a renovation, slowly tearing down walls in my heart - opening me up. and not just to Him. but to those able to see, that there is more to me than i had previously been showing. 

its kind of like the Biltmore. every year, it seems, they unlock the secret beauty behind another mysterious door and invite the world in to see. i feel like thats where i am. He is preparing me for an unveiling.

even i don't know what to expect. it's a long messy process, but i know in the end, it'll be worth it. and i won't be able to even understand how i lived so long in the small confines of the lobby of my heart, when there was so much room to be shared all along.